New Mooning
by jaspercullen88778877
Summary: This is a crack fic about Renesmee and her life with Jacob. Rated T for sexual referance, cussing, and SPOLIERS FOR BREAKING DAWN! Dont read this if you haven't read the whole series! Characters may be OOC.
1. Chapter 1

New Mooning

Chapter One: Needs

_**Warning: Contains cussing, sexual thoughts, and spoilers for Breaking Dawn!!!!!!!**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series, because if I did I would be rich and most likely not writing this but be in Las Vegas relaxing.**_

_**From Bella's POV**_

Today started just like any other day. Edward, Renesmee, and I were in our cabin and Jacob was coming over. I heard his footsteps outside and then he opened the door and walked in soaking wet from the rain, smiling that smile I adored.

This was the first time he'd visited the cabin before, before he had just seen Renesmee at the house.

"So is this where the magic happens…" he said looking around the cabin.

Magic? What does he mean? We're not witches, we're vampires…

Oh _**that **_kind of magic.

"Sicko," I snarled at him.

"Whoa, there tiger, save that for later," Edward said smirking at me.

"Mommy, what are daddy and my Jacob talking about," Renesmee asked me, her face thoughtful and confused.

"Well…" Edward said sitting up, "when a man and a woman-"

"Or a vampire and a vampire," Jacob added, cutting in.

"Thank you, Jake," I said sarcastically.

"How 'bout a werewolf and a half vampire," Jacob asked raising his eyebrows.

"Oh my fucking God," Edward roared.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I just can't help it," Renesmee cried out.

Why is Renesmee apologizing? Shouldn't Jacob be apologizing? And since when had Renesmee called Jacob, "Her Jacob?" Also when did Edward start cussing?

Then it hit me. Oh. Renesmee was thinking about what we had just been talking about, and Edward could hear all of it.

"I have to get my ass five miles away so I don't have to listen to this fucking shit," Edward screamed.

I put Renesmee under my shield.

"Thank God!"

Then Emmer burst in with Rosalie and said, "what's going on? Rose and I could hear Edward from the house!"

"Let me show you," Renesmee said smiling and touched her hands to Rosalie and Emmet's forehead.

Emmet started howling in agony, "This reminds me of two centuries stories. One about an island and one about houses!"

"Tell me! Tell me," squealed Renesmee.

"NO," I yelled.

"I'm confused," said Jacob and Renesmee touched her hands to his forehead.

"I see…" Jacob raises his eyebrows and laughs.

_**So this was the first chapter of New Mooning, an idea my friend Haley came up with and I decided to post it on Fanfiction. REVIEW PRETTTY PLEASEEE!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**New Mooning**

_**Warning: contains spoilers for Breaking Dawn, cussing, and refers to sexual thoughts.**_

_**Chapter Two: Falling Asleep and Waking Up**_

How long does it take to buy groceries? Renesmee and Jacob had been at Vons for five hours now. We were all back at the house. Carlisle was getting the equipment I used to deliver Renesmee, just in case. Alice was waiting for our future to disappear which meant they had made the decision to come home.

"Alice," I asked anxiously.

"Our future is still very clear," Alice said smiling.

Edward was over in the corner, stuck in a fetal position sucking his thumb muttering, "no matter how far I run I can't escape their thoughts…"

Emmet and Rosalie were cracking jokes, bad jokes while Jasper had his hand on my back. He'd tried to calm Edward too but it didn't work.

Esme was planning the baby shower. At this rate I'd be a grandmother of ocutplets.

Edward was now muttering, "In a deep, dark, roomy, supply closet where no one can hear them…"

If Jasper weren't calming me I'd be going over to Vons and ripping off Jacob's throat. Then again, I don't really want to see Jacob or Renesmee right now. My shield can't reach them so Edward has to suffer.

"Bella do you think it will be a boy or girl," asked Esme.

"At this rate they'll be boys and girls," I snapped.

"Oh my God here they come," Alice screamed. We all cheered.

"Oh never mind," Alice said sighing. We all groaned.

October, November, December, January……..

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does, even for me.

"Here they come," Alice screamed. We all jumped up as Jake and Nessie walked through the door, Nessie's stomach was huge.

"Did you get the groceries," Esme asked eyes huge.

"No we left them in the supply closet, or what's left of them at least," Renesmee explained.

"How could you two do this," Edward screamed.

"I'm sorry," Renesmee shouted. "I'm late for school!"

"Yeah four fucking months late," Edward yelled.


	3. Chapter 3

**New Mooning**

_**Warning contains spoilers for Breaking Dawn, cussing, and refers to sexual thoughts.**_

_**My friend Haley wrote this and it might not much sense so I'll explain some of it. is our crazy P.E teacher, who gives demerits, sings random songs, and made up Starky Pops.**_

_**Chapter Three: P.E**_

I followed Renesmee to P.E with Edward, she had first.

"Young lady, why haven't you been at schools for four months," asked.

"Let me show you," announce Renesmee eagerly. Oh no it was too late to stop her. Her hand was touching forehead and his eyes went wide with shock.

"You've got a demerit," yelled .

"You know you like it," Renesmee shouted.

"That's far from the point…" Mr. Starkins argued. "Starky Pops are forbidden!"

Starky Pops? What is he talking about?

"But they're so good," Renesmee argued.

"What are you talking about," I asked confused walking up to them, Edward behind me.

"Let me show you," shouted Renesmee and put her hand on my forehead. I saw a dark supply closet filled with…Starky Pops??!!? And she and Jacob were eating them for four months and Renesmee got super fat.

"Wait! You and Jake spent four months in a supply closet eating Starky Pops? That's why Edward started cussing in the cabin. And that's why he spent four months in a corner!!?"

"Yep," answered Renesmee.

"Starky Pops are forbidden, you get a demerit," shouted .

"Oh...I thought you were…" I stopped talking.

"What could be worse than eating Starky Pops," Edward exclaimed. "Other than… Bella what did you think they were doing?"

"Umm…" I didn't know how to put it, "Each other…"

"Pervert," Edward screamed.

"You get a demerit for having an idiot parents, Renesmee," announced.

"They aren't idiots, they're vampires," announced Renesmee.

"And you've got a demerit for being a pervert," he said pointing at me. "And you," he pointed to Edward, "Get a demerit for not showing up to volley ball practice!"

"Sorry coach," said Edward saluting him suddenly holding a volley ball. Life was so confusing.

"And I never want to hear anyone eating forbidden Starky Pops again!"

_**The End**_


End file.
